In this blog post, Jillian Gorven and Randulph Spaine—both married, though not to each other—offer insightful reflections on gender, obedience, and grace in marriage.
A wife…
Over the last few weeks, I (Jillian) have wrestled with a terrible irritation toward my husband. In truth, it’s a struggle I’ve faced on and off for a number of years. The words of Scripture echo in my heart: “…let the wife see that she respects her husband” (Eph 5:33). They convict me every time. And more piercing still has been the image of Sarah who “obeyed Abraham calling him lord” (1 Peter 3:5). These verses have become like “nail-studded goads” (Eccl 12:11), prodding my soul toward a humility that does not come naturally.
Ironically, the Lord has led me into a deep exploration of gender for over a decade. It is as if He has given me a living lesson, teaching me not just through academic texts, but through my rebellion. I have come to understand how deeply the curse in Genesis 3 is etched into the female heart: “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you” (Gen 3:16). It is a gendered consequence of the Fall, and one that I feel keenly. I see how easy it is to store up little resentments—hurts, both real and perceived. But perhaps even more insidious is my petty egotism over our roles.
In the early years of our marriage, when my husband worked outside the home and I focused on raising our children, there was a beautiful reciprocity between us. We helped one another gladly, often “fighting” playfully over who would serve the other. Our children would laugh at us, amused by our “No, I’ll do it!” exchanges. There was a shared joy in complementing each other’s strengths.
But as our roles became less defined, and I stepped into more visible spaces of influence, I began to guard my platforms and perspectives with a subtle defensiveness. Instead of delighting in our God-given complementarity, I found myself growing territorial—jealous of his talents, ungrateful for his presence, and blind to the blessing of partnership.
Yesterday morning, during my quiet time, I read again the words of 1 Peter 3:4–5: “Let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves—by submitting to their own husbands…”. There’s no wriggle room for my wilful womanly ways when I read these verses alongside Jesus’ words in John 15:14: “You are my friends if you do what I command you”. I cannot claim friendship with Jesus while ignoring His commands about submission, respect, and love.
James, too, speaks with sobering clarity: “Be doers of the word, and not hearers only” (Jas 1:22), and “The tongue is a fire… staining the whole body… set on fire by hell” (Jas 3:6).
I am painfully aware that when I give voice to frustration or act out my inner turmoil, I risk staining not only my marriage but the entire spiritual atmosphere of my home.
And so, two things have become clear. First, as a wise friend once told me, I must sometimes “fake it till I make it.” Not as an act of hypocrisy, but as a reverent step of obedience. Choosing to act lovingly—even when my emotions lag behind—is not deceitful; it is spiritual discipline. Second, I must resist the devil and cry out for a pure, undivided heart. I want to be shaped into my husband’s arms—not in weakness, but in willing trust. I long to be enraptured again by both his love and my Lord’s.
A husband…
Reading and thinking through this frank reflection motivated a deep response within me. I (Randulph) felt not only her helplessness and regret, but also the quiet inner strength of a woman wrestling with Scripture, love, and obedience. Moreover, if I am honest, this confession has challenged me to revisit my temperament, as a man who has been given a command through the Word of God, to love as Christ loves the Church: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Eph 5:25). While she is grappling with the aspect of respect, I am sobered by the idea of what it truly means to be respectable.
It is easy for husbands to remind their wives of Ephesians 5:33 and focus on the command that they should “respect” us. However, Paul’s charge to husbands is profound as it directs husbands to love sacrificially, unconditionally, and redemptively. Christ gave Himself up for His bride. He served her. He washed her feet. He bore her burdens. That is the example I am meant to follow. Jesus said, “…whoever would be great among you must be your servant” (Matt 20:26). The question goading me is how often do I practically and sincerely lead like that?
It is a realisation that dawns on me when I find myself emotionally withdrawing from her in moments of perceived disrespect. I often choose silence over affection, seeking solace in work, screens, or spiritual excuses instead of embracing connection and tenderness. I have also allowed resentments to take root, neglecting to nourish and cherish my wife as Scripture calls me to do: “Husbands ought to love their wives as their bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself” (Eph 5:28).
As I ponder God’s wisdom, I feel His spirit asking me: Are you creating a space for my daughter to blossom in the plans I have for her? Are you listening to her, not just her words but the pain beneath them? Are you leading out of your intimate relationship with me, creating new joyful realities in your home? I pray that these questions will be remain with me as I seek the Lord for the desire and courage to embody His love, and make it manifest to my wife.
Reflection Questions
For wives:
Are there areas where I have allowed pride or bitterness to cloud the beauty of God’s design for marriage?
How can I cultivate a “gentle and quiet spirit” in my daily interactions?
What would it mean for me to obey God, even when I do not feel like it?
For husbands:
Have I loved my wife in a way that reflects Christ’s love for the Church?
Do I create an atmosphere of emotional and spiritual safety for my wife to share honestly?
How can I lead with humility, even when I feel misunderstood or disrespected?
Prayer Prompts
Wives: Lord, soften my heart. Help me to trust Your wisdom in creating us male and female. Teach me to love, to be vulnerable, and to rejoice in the role You have called me to. May I see my husband not as a rival, but as a gift—and to communicate how precious he is to me. Moreover, may Your Word shape our love into something holy.
Husbands: Lord Jesus, continue to teach me how to love and serve my wife. Strip away my pride and defensiveness. Please make me a servant-leader, full of gentleness and strength. Help me to cherish my wife as Your precious daughter. Let my life speak louder than my words. Moreover, may our marriage reflect Your beauty to a watching world.
Disclaimer: The views presented in this blog are those of the speaker and do not necessarily represent the views of SATS.