Recently, friends of ours became parents for the first time. A week after the baby’s birth, they visited us. The husband held his daughter for about 10 minutes, only to hand her back to the mother exclaiming, “please take her; my back is killing me.” At that moment, I knew what my husband was thinking and we established afterwards that he knew what was on my mind too. As parents of three boys—two three-year-olds and one six-year-old, we chuckled inwardly at this father of a one-week-old complaining that his baby was too heavy.

We’ve all heard the adage that comparison is the thief of joy. This is more likely true when one compares unfavorably to others. However, there is another dark side to comparison, and it disproportionally ensnares more mature believers—especially those in leadership. This is the type of comparison that erodes compassion: the annoyed conviction that because my burden is heavier than yours, yours does not deserve theological and pastoral engagement. I cannot tell you how many times we have heard leaders complain that they are unable to disciple someone through hardship because they deem it lightweight compared to what they have seen or gone through themselves. How do you walk with someone who complains about a baby not sleeping through the night when you recently lost a child? How do you encourage an unmarried person who feels like they have little capacity for church activities while you have a job, husband, and three children to juggle? How you answer someone who was hurt by a joke made from the pulpit while you are simultaneously counselling a couple on the brink of falling away from their faith because they have been taken captive by false teaching?

Is it just a case of telling people to grow up and get over it? As with the newborn’s father complaining of back pain, the discomfort and disappointment of others, especially when it does not weigh up to what we are facing or seeing elsewhere, can seem overblown and can cause us to roll our eyes and judge such saints for their lack of capacity. However, here we miss a key opportunity to disciple them. I recently re-read the Synoptic Gospels and was struck by the number of times σπλαγχνίζομαι is used to describe Jesus’s response to people. The term denotes compassion, pity, or sympathy. If there ever was someone who could have weaponized comparison, it would be Jesus. During his ministry, he was carrying the salvation of the world on his shoulders, aware that he would die the most horrific death and take the wrath of God upon himself. No earthly suffering could begin to compare to the suffering that Jesus would know. Yet, we read that he was moved with compassion several times and used such opportunities to reveal the Kingdom of God.

If you ever need God to stretch you in this matter, volunteer to lead a youth group in your church. The things teenagers find distressing can be, at worst, aggravating and, at best, amusing. However, within that situation, they need to find biblical truth and grow towards Christlikeness. God does not look away when we feel burdened—regardless of how small the burden is in comparison to that of others. He works all things for the good of those who love him and have been called according to his purpose so that the outcome might be Christlikeness (Rom 8:28–29).

Now, does this mean that we should make mountains out of molehills? Surely not! Someone with an underdeveloped capacity, or a critical spirit, or an over-sensitivity should be challenged to grow into what God wants them to be; however, we will not get them there through silent judgement and eyerolls. Their discomfort or crisis—regardless how it compares to ours—is the seedbed for sound theology and breakthrough for them in that particular season. It is the opportunity for them to discover more of God and to grow, and for this, they need brothers and sisters ready to disciple them through it.

Comparison is the thief of compassion. Spiritual pride will make us ineffective to disciple those who came after us or those of weaker faith. Let us praise God for increasing our capacity and for strengthening us through hardship, but let us never forget that a newborn baby can also be heavy.

Disclaimer: The views presented in this blog are those of the speaker and do not necessarily represent the views of SATS.